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Old dilapidated boat

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

A recreational boater, a tugboat crewman, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer. (It must have been the special of the day).

The recreational boater looked in his beer and said, "hey bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."

The tugboat crewman looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and continued drinking.

The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"

Your Time is Not My Time

A boat painter was awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".

Three weeks went by and the owner, a little concerned of the delay, confronted the painter. "Hey Paul", said the owner, "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my boat and its been three weeks....What's up with that?" The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the owner square in the eye and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".

"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong:

First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"